drowning

i'm reaching for something
that's not there
never has been there.

i'm reaching for you
out for you,
nowhere to be found
in the sea of lies and regret
and sweet words
and the false words crawling
off of your tongue
running over your curling lips
smiling at me now;

i never wanted this
baby
don't.

we're falling apart,
just
let
it
go.

the undertow is much
much too strong
for even the strongest of the strong.

especially in the world
of discarded love.

torn

my heart is on my sleeve
but my sleeve is quite tattered.
I'm losing heart
every time a single thread
falls off and hits the cold ground
covered in memories and regret.
hearts like these
can only be obtained by being
stolen.

desire plagues these lips,
loneliness masks these eyes.
an arctic chill has taken up residence
in my nearly vacant chest.
look closer, my dear;
my heart has left me
because it is much more fond of
you.

you are distant and vague
very very
vague.
your identity is unknown to me
completely.
one fact I know for certain -
once I find you
and you find me
my mask will disappear.

I am not
all ice
stone
or bitter

I am just a bit
different,
you see.

stuck

x Why am I here? What is all this?

y Don't ask me questions; Just have a seat and wait. You'll get use to this.

x No, thank you... I don't want to get use to this. I want you to answer me and show me the door.

y Why don't you just go out the same way you came in? You know how to leave; You just don't want to.

x You're very bold for saying that, you know. I do not know how to leave, or else I wouldn't be talking to you.

y Stop with all of this. Don't make me tell you again to have a seat right over there. Maybe read a magazine to kill some time.

x Can you please get me someone to talk to? I really need some answers and I need them soon. I do not want to stay here with these people.

z Hello? You wanted the answers, kid?

x Yes! Thank you, thank you. Can I start now?

z You may. But be warned - You won't like all of my answers. You may have to search deeper.

x Who are all of these people and why are there so many here? They don't seem as worried as I am.

z They're not worried at all; I don't even think they can see you yet. They are all of the people you have ever come in contact with, whether you remember each one or not.

x Am I dead?

z Oh, goodness, no.

x Can you tell me what this is and why I am so lost?

z You hold the answers within you, I can't stress that enough. You are not lost.

x And her, over there... Why is she the only one who isn't moving around?

z Let me see here... Oh, her. That's you. Sort of.

x I thought you were supposed to help me? You're only confusing me more. How is that me? I'm right here, with you.

z Do you know this for sure?

x No.

z Exactly. But, you are, indeed, here with me. She is another form of you, let's say. She one side of you that you have never seen before. That is why you didn't recognize her. But she was there all along.

x If I am not dead, and this does not seem like reality... then what is this?

z This is the realm of dreams. It's reality, yet another realm of it. You and I, talking here... this is real, correct? That makes this a certain shade of reality. Nobody ever said that there was solely one reality. Even the world bends rules.

x So... I'm dreaming all of this?

z Not exactly. You are sort of stuck in an 'in-between.' You're not sleeping. Or daydreaming. But you're still here...

x What's that supposed to mean? Why did your tone change, just then?

z Nobody really knows how you're still here. Yet. We're still working on that.

x Does this mean I can never leave?

z We're not sure. But hey, it's not so bad here.

x I can't stay in this room with all these people forever! Show me the door and let me leave!

z Lower your voice please, we're trying to help you. We can't show you the door because you're the only one who can see your own door. So, if you're capable of leaving, you're the only one who would know.

x I don't see ANY door. No exit... anywhere.

z Are you sure?

x Stop asking me that. I'm not sure of anything.

lost in the land of dreams

I'm determined to write a book someday.

Chapter one

You asked me what death was like; I told you I would tell you when I found the answer. If you’re reading this then you are still looking for the answer. If so, I fatefully found it before you did.
It started with a book and it ended with a book – this book I give to you… and the first book? That’s what triggered everything.



(In progress, I'm not done with this.)

some things remain constant.

It's been nearly a year and I still can't believe you're gone.

Today was a great day and I was in a great mood. It doesn't take much to bring me back to thoughts of you. I thought back to your funeral and I reduced to tears... again. I don't know if there will be a day when I can think back on it all and remain un-phased.

Dammit, I miss you so much it's ridiculous.

void.

tear it down
rip it down
build me up again,
the way i was supposed to be
to begin with.
where did i go
wrong
why am i so
different
separate from the rest?
i don't want to blend in
i don't want to conform;
i just want to be happy

can happy
ever stick?

my happiness is
like a melting stick of butter
hard to grasp
easily dissipating

TEAR ME DOWN,
take out the problem.
take away
the bad

how can i be loved
when i can't love myself
when i can't accept myself

...everyday


make me strong
make me brave
make me something more
something bigger

show me.

the dust is falling off
the sand is sliding through my fingers
water is slipping from the leaves
time is running from us
or are we running with it?

falling
falling
everything seems to fall.

fail
fail
everyone seems to fail
...sometimes.

nothing is definite.
everything is changing.

i like it.
i hate it.
i accept it.
i reject it.

i'm not the last, i'm not the first.
i'm not the best, i'm not the worst.

everything is so scattered.
help me pick up the pieces.

we are
the pieces.

I'm not dreaming, so...

...I'll remember my twisted dreams from previous nights. It's hard to explain them because 1, they're weird, and 2, I won't name any names.


Why were you in my dream? I never spoke to you in my life. We were in a restaurant. At some point, you turned into someone else who I do actually talk to. We were at the table, and we were laughing at something together and I was thinking to myself, "wow, we're SO alike!" Then your sister walked by and I was worried that she would be mad; she wasn't. At some point, I went in the back of the restaurant. There was a bicycle on the floor, and for some odd reason, I had to cut up an octopus. I was utterly disgusted, but I cut it up. I guess someone wanted to eat it.

That's all I remember of that one. Well, that's all I'll actually admit to. hah..


I thought I could remember other ones, but I can't remember any at the moment.

Phases

walking in a dazed fog
these days are becoming monotonous again
slowly

the money is dissipating
nothing to show for the loss of it
days roll by quicker each day
or so it seems

dreams become better than the waking reality
i've been sleeping in
feeling sluggish and stagnant

we all need change
but not the change from mr. obama's
left pocket

i get the feeling
i'm walking through a distorted wonderland
without the wonderful wonders

looking for some quick thrills
simple pleasures if possible
when it's all said and done
my face is still a blank sheet
filled with questions

inspiration leaves me
without a single note to tell me
i'll be back with you again
so don't you fret

i'm left with a blank stare
instead

About dreams...

My dreams last night - I cannot get them off of my mind. They were so clear and disturbing, to an extent, I guess.

Dream one.
About my Grandma and Pap. In reality, they're both doing well, health wise and everything. In this horrible dream, they were still alive but they were getting ready for their funerals and to be buried. It was the worst dream I've had in a long time, I'd say. I can't even get into all the weird details because of the mere fact of them being weird. Wow.

Dream two.
I wish I could keep sleeping so that I could keep having this dream. This one, in comparison to the previous, was the best dream I've had lately. I'm not going into all the details about this one because of the fact that I don't want to talk about this person to anyone. This is sounding like a elementary school crush/daydream... oh my. But it really isn't. hah. It was just a great dream. I miss you, MJR.

I honestly can't get these dreams out of my head. I feel like I'm in a mind-fog because they were so odd. Well, the first one was odd and the second one wasn't.. but nonetheless, my dreams affect me. Weird, huh?



Other news?
My uncle found a really young baby raccoon in his yard on Sunday. This thing is probably the cutest baby animal I've seen. His eyes aren't even open! Adorable.
Don't get all PETA and whatnot with me... if he left it where he found it, it would have been dead by morning. It's so helpless and vulnerable.
So, my mom and I are taking care of it for now because of my uncle's work schedule and everything. I'll post a picture of him. You'll fall in love. haha :)

Simply...

April 19
2009

Shut the door.
Turn your world upside down.
Impress me with your tender words.
Caress me with your eyes,
Melt me with your touch.
Turn my world upside down.
Place me at the center of your universe,
Let us drown in this galaxy of bliss.
Love me with all of your being;
Cast your fears aside tonight.
Yet another thought is leading me to you.
Just another reason why you
Turn my world inside o u t.

I don't know, don't ask. I got bored and wrote a little.